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INTRODUCTION
AlienBeing.org is a resource for people diagnosed with “High Functioning Autism”, and those having "Aspergers" and "Autism" who seek "Work" and keep "Work and enjoy life to the fullest.
A challenge is to be different in a helpful way.
This site is useful in that in 2012, the definition of the autistic spectrum may be narrowing, and it may be that I would no longer be considered autistic by the end of the year. I want to share how I cope in the non-autistic world given my portfolio of strengths and weaknesses.
I intend alienbeing.org to be a resource for people under the Autistic spectrum, because it may be helpful to hear from someone with the condition instead of from a talented writer who is not within the spectrum. I feel obligated to try as a measure of thanks to the people who have helped me. From the therapists who worked with me before age 5 to those I worked with as an adult, they deserve my effort in creating a web site, an efficient communication medium, technology unimaginable to a non-computer person as recent as 1991.
The emphasis is on autism in the workplace. I do not address childhood therapy and the science of the brain. There are many fine books that cover issues I may have overlooked, but I feel you do the research you need to sufficiently solve your problem.
Like others diagnosed with high functioning autism, I was able to do well in school as I was eventually able to become a Certified Public Accountant. I feel my brain makes me very smart in some categories, such as standardized math test, but not was well wired to participate comfortably at a dinner table having six people, expected to listen to conversation and laugh with the group.
I finally hit the big 5-0. I only found out about Autism at age 34 so 2/3 of my life, I was trying to be normal. High functioning autism did not exist as a condition until the early 1990’s, so I lived in a period that could be called pre-history. In my mid-thirties. I tried more management-oriented jobs and I was let go twice due to what one supervisor called an “interpersonal skills problem.”
I had an intervention at age 34 after asking why I was unemployed - I was healthy and feel I did not make an obvious mistake such as being late for work, drunk, or doing careless work. What was going wrong? If seeking a diagnosis of an unknown condition, one should study their entire life, especially the first five years where they may not remember. I found out that I had been diagnosed as an autistic child at age 2 so it followed that I was in the spectrum. Talk to people, read books, but know your medical history. This was the mid-nineties, resources are more vast now.
In work, I never told anyone that I was autistic, but I never stated I wanted a senior management position. I had to know I was autistic, socialize to my limits, and work to minimize the mistakes that can turn people off, such as yawning, speaking too long, not listening to the others, just general awkwardness that would turn people off.
If you have a problem that you cannot fix despite being told about it and have worked to remedy it, you are in danger of being run off the reservation by constantly upsetting your superiors. You just cannot respond appropriately or fast enough. Hard work and production can help you and is necessary, to the point of really feeling tired. The best solution is to have a role you are good at, and have your bosses accept that you provide value to the company in your role, despite your obvious weaknesses.
At times, I can appear non-autistic so I can function some of the times like a normal person. But social situations over 30 minutes to an hour or very sharp people can expose my condition, and I have had the privilege of working with some talented workers.
The self-awareness also helps me to accept my reality, to avoid the frustration of "being a victim". Such frustration can bring the autistic person a label of a personality disorder where the problem is neurological processing, unrelated to personality – just the brain unable to absorb.
The concept of reciprocity is important to discuss early on in AlienBeing because in social interactions, there is often an exchange, where someone helping you (in their minds) expects to be reciprocated in kind. For the autistic person, that can be a challenge, when a friend or family member can invite you to his social club for a birthday party and you cannot since you are too autistic to justify membership in a high-end club. You hope your friends are open-minded about your condition, when they know you care with effort in another way, such as buying a nice gift or being in good company. In work, reciprocity is easier because you do tasks versus personal relationships, but it is a concept that helps the autistic person to structure thinking about the feelings of others around them, to overcome the perceived problem of blind-mindedness.
Socially, reciprocity may be as simple as smiling when someone smiles at you, or laughing at the appropriate time. These actions are a challenge at least for me, and so when my online advertisement uses the word "survive" instead of live, there are reasons. It is very easy to get personally rejected in the judgmental world of the regular people (neurotypicals), and so patience and understanding is helpful, but sometimes impossible in certain situations.
ii. Job Failures Created Feeling of AlienBeing
The AlienBeing name came from the process of trying to understand why I was fired twice in 1995 from jobs that I did not consider that difficult. Something made me an alien being to the business world. I was not fired due to drugs, alcohol, or poor attendance but I was fired for being a poor fit in the jobs, despite determined efforts.
I was overwhelmed by the social activities in business meetings, where superior managers where not comfortable with how I interacted. Recently, I heard myself on tape from a meeting and this is years later after what I have learned. The stress of thinking on my feet and deciding what to say, answering a question posed in a meeting, can force me to talk in a throaty voice, hesitant, like in a monotone. I come across as less intelligent as the average participant.
I don't have easy solutions to this lifelong problem. I have to breathe, try to move my mouth when I talk, practice as much as possible. In my case, lack of communication can cause regression of my skills. I admit the problem, try to work around it. I had jobs where I was involuntarily let go because I did not interact with highly paid executives, despite success in the behind the scenes spreadsheet analysis. Prepare as best as possible, try to think of the right questions to ask, but really hard in the stress of a meeting.
Table of Contents:
I. Age 0 to 18
Early Life
Autistic Childhood Teaching
Teasing
Enjoyable Activities
II. University
Going Away to College
Studying
Social Life
III. Work
Interacting With People
Avoiding the Conversation Meltdown
Combating Verbal Abuse
Avoiding Conflict
Professional Designation
Interviewing a Boss
Job Description & Disability
Mentoring
IV. Autism, Work and a Book
V. Relating to People
Definition of Relating
Conversation Processing
Lying
VI. Interpersonal Skills & Meanings
Smile
Be appreciative
Pay attention to others
Practice active listening
Bring people together
Resolve conflicts
Communicate clearly
Humor them
See it from their side
Don’t complain
VII. Conclusions
I. AGE 0 to 18:
Early Life
I was diagnosed as an autistic child at age 2. I did not talk until age 4. I had lots of childhood therapy, speech and play therapy. I had a supportive family and many family members helped me out. I did not have to endure a divorce or family tragedy. I made it to Kindergarten with my class, today I may have been held back a year.
I found out that music could reach me easier than the spoken word. I liked "picture stories" about construction projects where I enjoyed the drawings more than the words. To fit in with my family, I learned to be read to by sitting still without actually listening and processing the stories, except maybe two or three children’s books.
My delayed speech, in hindsight, caused in part for me to miss part of the growing-up process as a baby, learning to smile, making faces, giving adults and other kids pleasure. I think a lot of life’s crucial skills are learned pre-school. I believe I am high-functioning autistic based on my knowledge of my babyhood.
Autistic Childhood Teaching:
Pets were not a major part of my life – I had two cats as a child – but I did not have pets to help me break out of autism.
Teaching autistic children is made easier if the child is receptive to learning. For example, if you want to teach an autistic child how to sit and behave at a dinner table - table manners - try to do it when the child is full, not hungry. Perhaps after breakfast in the morning when the child is more rested than in the evening, when they can be burned out by activities of the day. The parents have to be patient, and the child has to apply the same concentration learning about the planets to learn out to deal with others at a table, activities the autistic person does not like.
Teasing
I first faced teasing in second and third grade – name calling. I don’ t remember how I got through it except through paitience – no question I could not react fast enough to name calling. I know now one has to ask the question and laugh, but young kids who don’t learn as a baby and are slower at making the response to the tease.
Enjoyable Activities:
People have asked about how I have "fun". As a child, I enjoyed playing with my toy trucks in the sandbox and dirt pile along with walking around the yard and by the brook and water pipe. I was introduced to golf and had enough patience to learn that sport and I did some swimming. I liked listening to music and following baseball and the space missions, now I know a typical hobby for someone in the spectrum. In hindsight, I did some parallel play (side-by-side play) rather than interactive play, but I do recall a few nice acquaintances.
I remember certain song melodies from my childhood, and of course, I heard them on poor quality transistor radios 40 years ago, for example. It was more enjoyable as a kid to imagine the words, make up the words (I did not know language - my guess as good as reality), than to know the unhappy truth about the song, typically about a relationship going good or bad.
I learned to be a good student, but I had trouble with stuttering and eye contact in middle school. I had a good high school period, having some good friends, but the adjustment to college was challenging. Playing sports was hard – I was not as well coordinated as the average person. My coordination was cut off at the waist, so I could do some activities well if I could stand still (golf) but not while running (tennis), and I was picked nearly last to play on team pick-up games.
For the record, I was told I had no eye contact in 7th grade as I liked to look at the ceiling, not at other people while talking. It was reported that I talked like a deaf person. The lesson is that overcoming autism is a battle over time, with successes being small steps.
Recently, someone mentioned bad eye contact to me outside of work, so despite writing and thinking about the issue, I still cannot fully overcome the problem. I believe that the situation is grey, sometimes I can connect, sometimes I don't, depending of the person I am with and my state of mind. Practice can help some, but the limitation of information overload compared to the other person in the discussion. Eye contact - how much do you stare or look away or something else?
II. UNIVERSITY
Going Away to College:
I did go away from home for college, and it is important to state the obvious - the autistic child has a family that has to put up with the kid. In college, the autistic child has to work harder to fit in and avoid isolation with the cliques and petty gossiping Role-playing such as camps and high school socializing helps in preparation.
I inquired if people were measured on individual information processing rate. I found nothing. College admission was based on test scores, grades, interviews (one-on-one), activities but not necessarily the information processing skill that I call “on your feet.”
Thus, if you have the money and desire, the autistic person can be accepted into a college and participate in the academic world.
Studying:
The autistic student should have a passion for his studying, go to a school that is strong in its area of interest. Hopefully, interest in the subject matter can help overcome the difficulty in listening to lectures and social interaction in class. Studying, write things down, memorize for two hours, take a break, walk around to let things sink in, start again. Really prioritize what you want to do and be patient, willing to take a lot more time, say twice the time to learn versus the typical good student to prepare for a college examination. Do one task at a time by concentrated effort, do not multi-task. Patience is a crucial virtue for the autistic person - the ability to slowly grind their way to academic results.
As a student, go on the offensive – work hard early, get off to a good start. You can out work the competition for grades and then if they work as hard, they will do better but at least you have your earlier edge (grading on a curve). My point is that it is harder to come from behind because those already behind may work harder to catch up also, and assuming the autism handicap, the others would have an edge with comparable.
Social Life:
For me, it was easier to socialize in small groups of 1 to 2 other people instead of the larger group. Play individual sports if possible instead of team sports with competition an easier way for me to interact with people. Autistic people may be able to play video games or chess - I knew chess but I was not a chess master. Take walks or bike rides, even alone to relax, or enjoy music as described next.
It takes giving to make friends. A challenge of college socializing is knowing that the autistic person has to help or do more favors for their peers compared to the outgoing person who makes friends with the humor and the smile. Do activities with others that you like to do. I do have examples of losing friends by being too honest, but I cannot name names on the Web and I got frustrated and needed more patience at the time.
Smiling when you can't, being unselfish when you need the time to take care of yourself, taking more time to do work, I do what I can do to survive. In hindsight, I should have gone to a more career oriented college, but I did have some highlights such as studying abroad and some college activities.
III. WORK
Interacting with People:
One challenge is recognizing the other person you are speaking with. Are they representing themselves or another organization? Do they protect themselves by hiding under the identity of the organization they are with? Do you know more about the subject of the conversation than them? Do they want to listen to you? Are you open to listening to them? What about body language, facial expressions of you or the other person?
The typical autistic person just did not have the learning during early childhood of multiple-signal and thought processing when interacting with people. All I can do is the best I can, but I know that interacting with certain people who are fast and can absorb a lot of information is challenging for me. Matching the other person’s expressions is a good idea, but it may not be fair for someone who is autistic – match what you can.
One crucial skill is conversation - defined by me for this case as the ability to process what another says, and come up with a follow-up question to keep it going. A focus is just to keep the conversation going, think of the question instead of the answer. This can be counter intuitive, but some people have a style of conversation where you have to convince them not by your answers but by your questions.
Preparation is important to anticipate the situation to avoid surprises. This point also includes not waiting for the last minute to do work, take your time. Seek to avoid “stupid” mistakes (errors you have prior experience that can be avoided) although it is a surprising challenge to always know when a mistake is about to happen. I have had situations where I wish I could have intellectualized where I can ask others for help rather than doing the task alone.
Avoiding the Conversation Meltdown
Self-discipline is important to control what can be called a conversation meltdown. I have to watch myself to prevent tuning out, just not listening anymore; monotone speech; rambling on, give a speech, end a conversation; body tires - lose eye contact, squint, look of frustration in participating; don't smile or react as other party expects; emotional breakdown, raise voice, make a statement you regret. Can a conversation or social interaction be simplified, or dissected, in a way of making it work for both parties involved?
Good diet and sleep help in preparation, but in reality, I believe the person who is at a neurological disadvantage in a conversation will stress out and may struggle if a conversation becomes confrontational or you are asked difficult follow-up questions. At times, I can just get angry which is not good in a professional environment. Practice helps but using emotion and controlling emotion is sometimes contradictory.
A tendency for me is to try to find a solution and mention it, especially when I believe it is obvious, honest, and it appears that no one had thought of it. However, criticism and negative statements can be inappropriate, and not said, even though being efficient. What are all the options is a way of avoiding saying the idea considered “is bad”.
One solution is research outside of a conversation - avoidance. Use Internet, surf net or e-mail, texting, telephone, library, good organization and paperwork filing, talk to friends. Within the conversation, will your brain allow you to process fast enough to ask, "What do you mean?" questions to get clarification? Can you selectively listen to the important points? Practice helps because one can develop memorized responses from experience. It is less stressful knowing your limits and knowing when to ask to slow things down. In some instances, you can write notes on paper. Otherwise, work hard while listening, respect the challenge. Listening is a gift to the person who is talking.
Combating Verbal Abuse
I am adding something called the "body slam", when a boss or superior takes an aggressive tack against you. I have examples such as "I don't trust you". These are hard because it takes too long for the autistic person to think of a response during a conversation. The best answer is "What do you have to gain by being so hard on me? Optimally, you should say it laughing, but that is an advanced solution.
If you can recognize that you are being attacked or in your mind bullied verbally, one can respond best by formulating a question – not a response such as a comment. This is not intuitive and not something I learned when I was a child since I did not talk as a baby. It is not obvious that “fighting back” from verbal abuse is done in the form of asking a question, not by throwing a punch or telling the abuser off.
I have inadvertently upset bosses and co-workers due to my monotune and mumbling voice, difficulty in laughing at jokes, discomfort ineracting with people, general stubborness, and sometimes making a comment they wish I did not make. People have decided I was not the fit for a job. In hindsignt, they try to bring me down like a spinning crocodile, not just with one big bite. By asking me difficult questions, watching everything I do, tellimg me I could have figured something out on my own without need of asking a question, plus general hostility and physical finger-pointing and other gestures, the person can make me dizzy and appear more frustrated, forciing me to almost quit or be eaten alive eventually.
One defense is to know your job as much as possible. This is time-consuming but the more preparation the better.
Workers and bosses can have various styles, some like confrontation, which requires enough working knowledge to formulate the follow-up questions to fend them off. Working knowledge is a weakness for me, the skill to quickly formulate appropriate questions. It is hard to explain in writing.
Knowing the boss, their personal situation and strengths and weaknesses can be helpful, but only if you can deal with the situation. An abusive style will affect all co-workers, so the challenge is to somehow let the boss blow themselves out, somehow do your job and have the self-confidence to fight to the death, although in some cases, job loss will be the destiny. For me it is impossible for me to avoid losing my cool sometimes, but it is best not to lose your temper, let the other person self-destruct.
Avoiding Conflict
People have called me “Passive Aggressive”, a psychological term where one avoids direct conflict and trying to go around the person involved. I don’t believe it is easy for an autistic person to execute a passive resistance plan of procrastinating action. What happens is that the autistic person just does not engage in conflict at times because the autistic person is afraid that they are slower and would lose. Autistic people hope for others to help resolve the situation. One cannot always avoid conflict. One has to prepare, and present a case that works for the parties involved. I know I need examples but I work and would have to explain in person.
Professional Designation
Becoming a professional, such as trying to be a lawyer or scientist or a certified public accountant. The objective is to find the specialty you enjoy doing and where you minimize your weaknesses, such as office politics and meetings. I did eventually pass the examination using my gift for memorizing and have the CPA designation. Practical prioritizing and managing time is helpful.
Interviewing a Boss
I remember getting two jobs when the interviewer did all the talking and I just sat there until I got the offer, it seemed. In the interview or job, be patient, use e-mail to avoid the struggle of talking and listening, write letters, maximize your strengths and cover your weaknesses.
Handling a boss – try to judge by the interview – if the boss talks more – a better fit for the autistic than a good listener. My problem was getting job offers – if you got one, you had to take it – I did not worry about autism (before my diagnosis at age 34). Once you start working, work as hard as you can within reason of your personal time. Bosses appreciate good effort, such as creating a functional spreadsheet.
A person is given a job title and communicates with others based on the qualification of that title. Example is a reporter requesting an interview, making a request based on who they are (the reporter). There is a skill of figuring out the motives of the interviewee, whether you have any connection to that person.
Job Description & Disability
If you know yourself, you can accept a job description tailored to your strengths. For example, I never became an executive officer but accepted a more structured position within my organization. Structure is crucial for someone having a weakness to hide, although once I felt frustration with a job where I felt like I was treated as a “superclerk”. A challenge is that people may think you are great at everything if you are great at one skill, but that is the contradiction of autism or neurological questions – for example, I had great hand coordination but poor leg coordination due to how I was wired. One has to know your strengths and weaknesses.
I would not disclose my disability to an employer unless it is very specific. I read that higher functioning Autism/Asperger’s most likely would not qualify as a disability - please correct me if that is untrue. Note that private firms are less likely to hire the disabled compared to governments, but for me, I can walk, talk and hear - too subtle to be considered disabled.
It is preferable to set the job description to tailor to your strengths and to minimize your weaknesses. Sadly, you can only learn your weaknesses through trial and error. However, the labels of disorders identified in the past 25 years, such as Asperger’s Syndrome, Attention Deficit Disorder, and High-Functioning Autism are broad and may not totally indicate your problem.
Mentors
People in business have been helped by mentors, often more experienced members of their organization – internal mentors, or contacts outside of their organization = external mentors. From my experience, being autistic, I remember one worker who advised that I take a test in accounting that did help my career. Finding a mentor is informal – making a friend and trying to identify their example that can help you.
One challenge for the autistic is recognizing when someone is offering to be a mentor – how to read the clues. Another is the networking grind of meeting potential external mentors. Another problem is finding someone to whom you can compare since you know you are autistic. How can you lead others if you are autistic? The example of honest hard work, basic professionalism can win others over, perhaps. I have never mentored someone like me so I would advise that you do more research.
IV. AUTISM, WORK and a BOOK
This web site is relatively stale as I work on it occasionally. I have decided to reference a new book because it said things that I missed.
Alienbeing.org has taken an interest in Rudy Simone’s book, “Asperger’s on the Job”, published in 2010 by Future Horizons Inc. Arlington, TX. The book is recommended, and is more comprehensively researched than this web site.
The autistic worker can do well due to “unique thoughts, not the herd mentality” (P. 2). Autistic workers are honest, hard working, and results oriented. Autistic people can appear normal at times (until they tire out and they need a break). The challenge is to work without instruction and to be able to ask the follow-up questions.
Autistic people can (P. 19-21) “have an urge to inform” their bosses and co-workers. However, there is a risk of upsetting co-workers and superiors if the comments said are offensive and not thought through. I am aware of these mistakes from my experience, as it is a challenge when someone says, “Tell me what you really think” when you have to respond immediately and when the literal truth is not what should be stated.
The solution for me was a more behind-the-scenes job with a minimal number of meetings. I work best alone. The book talked about having a predictable routine, which reduces the stress of dealing with surprise. The challenge is learning to ask the boss a follow-up question (p. 52).
I did not agree with the book’s suggestion (P. 34) to practice smiling – to me, the act of smiling is neurological – like some in the autistic spectrum, I laugh at my leisure, not at others’. Monitoring my facial expressions and emulating others (P. 91) may not be as practical of a solution for me as for others. Practicing smiling may stretch your facial muscles but does not substitute for the neurological.
Others may comment on your behavior – you can learn from feedback from others. I was told I like to slam the phone down when hanging up on a call. I do feel stress when I receive negative feedback, but I do evaluate whether the suggested corrective actions are doable for me.
The book described the need for people with Asperger’s to maintain control over their environment “withdraw from social contact” (P. 66-67). That is true, as blocking out distractions helps me to concentrate and to learn.
I don’t view my behavior as seeking control on others, but control on my environment – while others may view it as control – I don’t know. The control discussion was the most difficult part of the book for me to understand because as I see it, withdrawal from the peripheral and focus on the matter at hand is a successful technique to maximize performance.
The book discusses small talk, bullying, gossip, workplace conditions, disclosure of your condition, choosing a career, dealing with criticism.
V. RELATING TO PEOPLE
Definition of Relating
I have viewed few explanations of what "relating" really means so here is my explanation. Two people meet, one non-autistic, one autistic. What the autistic person may not always know or consider is that the non-autistic person performs gestures such as facial motions and smiles or head & body motions plus statements or even jokes to develop a connection with the other. The autistic person may not be able to process the other's message and not laugh at the joke or smile in response. The non-autistic person may increase actions such as smiles to elicit a response, which can frustrate the autistic person until the autistic person laughs somehow.
Role playing can help people within the Autistic spectrum in developing familiarity, but in my opinion it is impossible to escape the neurology - that is the diagnosis. I can have a dry, one-liner sense of humor but I have difficulty remembering stories that can be told as jokes.
Conversation Processing
A conversation involves exchange of information about the subject discussed and the people involved, their backgrounds and connections with others. Skilled communicators and listeners can process an incredible amount of information in split seconds and full seconds and people in the Autistic spectrum can only process the information they can handle. Improvement comes with self-awareness, practice, the ability to pick and choose what is important, getting by with limited information compared to others, but sometimes, that is enough.
The processing speed question affects everyone, not just people classified as autistic. I know I cannot be friendly with everyone, because my slower reaction times may make others just uncomfortable. The split second differences, needless to say, are very difficult to measure. I now know I would have done a lot of things differently had I known better an earlier age.
Lying
People can lie to you due to 1) Present wrong information, turns out to be incorrect, interpreted by autistic person as a lie, 2) subtle half-truths, 3) Intentional lies. Reason for lying may be concerns about the impact of what is said can affect more people than the two involved in the conversation. The autistic person may not fully think about all dimensions of a conversation, how the other person can talk to others, who are the other person's friends. There is a danger of not realizing the impact of being a messenger, especially of bad news.
Dating
I have not married and have not lived with a partner for extended periods of time. Each situation and person is unique, the partnership has to be equal for both side. I cannot drag down a relationship due to a handicap, and I don't want the grief of another's baggage. I hope to find someone, and I guess the more meetings or interviews, the better your odds.
VI. INTERPERSONAL SKILLS AND MEANINGS
For now, the approach to discussing solutions is based on the summary of 10 methods to improve interpersonal skills presented by Allbusiness.com.
http://www.allbusiness.com/human-resources/careers-career-development/11134-1.html
- “Smile”. A smile requires the brain to process the situation in order to react. Cliques and friendships form based on a commonality of the group’s ability to process the information. As previously described, there is great variation on the individual’s ability to grasp and react at situations, measured in microseconds and hard to describe the concept of quickness on feet.
- Solutions to smile problem: discouraged if you are slower than others. That is your neurology so find the group or situation where you fit in. The quickness issue will be a legitimate reason.
- No drugs. I have no faith in the medical profession to take a drug to improve quickness. That is not the subject of this report.
- Body condition. If you can straighten your teeth, do it but that too is based on your jaw and looks. Take care of your teeth.
- Have overall good feeling based on peace of mind that you are operating at your best.
- Hard, but observe situation, search for humor. This is a challenge when socializing is hard work requiring will power but it could be a concept to experiment with.
Laughter is a spontaneous action. Each person can laugh at the capacity of processing the impulse. Laughing is a powerful form of communication, saying a lot but not in words. Laughing cannot really be faked. Laughing and smiling are skills that money cannot easily buy as I have observed self-help classes whose dominating participants were the same, quick, responsive people.
2. “Be appreciative”. Today, I am appreciative of the people who made the effort to befriend me. Also, those that I consulted with or had as professors whose efforts helped me. Being appreciative requires one to absorb that is going around the situation, and an autistic person who may block out key stimuli to keep under control may just not be able to be as appreciative as expected.
- “Pay attention to others”. It is recognizing what they are doing and trying to absorb what is going on. Do the best you can without yawning or wanting to bite your nails, or just the lost look of tuning out and thinking about something else. An example is participating in a business meeting, and listening to a conversation involving say four people. How do you choose the stimuli to absorb, tune out what is unimportant, without looking strained and knowing you just cannot take in as much as the others. I violated this command by blocking the world out and concentrating on the task at hand.
- “Practice active listening”. For me, this is easier in the one-on-one situation than the group. Handling this requires time management, shorter meetings, controlling what you say (talking does not require the same energy as absorbing information), letting people finish what they are saying without cutting them off. No question listening is hard for the autistic person, but some of my job search highlights came by somehow listening. I remember getting two jobs by having the interviewer do all the talking and I just said nothing. When I had to do a lot of talking, I never got the job.
- “Bring people together”. This one requires understanding the concept of fairness, evaluating a situation from afar, equal treatment for everyone. For me, the allbusiness.com blurb is fine.
- “Resolve conflicts”. Allbusiness.com stresses getting the two parties in conflict together and you mediating it. Somehow find out as much information as possible about the situation. The autistic person would typically have less experience at resolving conflicts.
- “Communicate clearly”. Allbusiness.com talks about what you say and how you say, avoid blurting out anything that comes to mind. What happens if you get overwhelmed and the information just comes out or you just can’t listen and need to tune everything out? You can benefit by taking adult education courses for practicing communication, but your potential is limited by your brain wiring. Volunteer work is also a means of using your skills but there is a time cost. If I meet people as a result of this site, communicating with them will be good practice. Listed below are other ideas that can be used to improve communication skills.
- Emphasis words. Monotone voice can be avoided by understanding that each syllable of a word has a different pitch or accent, and word combinations also have different tones. Saying “front door”, front is emphasized over door. Most people learn this by osmosis as a child but I did not learn this until age 35.
- Use of body. Sitting up straight gets the sound clearer in the chest. Actors do tongue and other mouth-related stretches. The mouth exercises help to minimize jerking of the head while talking.
- Pronounce consonants. Pronounce the letters of each word to avoid monotone, speak slowly if necessary. Some people are gifted and can talk fast but talk as fast as you can without mumbling.
- Eye Contact. Looking at people is a skill, not staring, but not appearing to wander the eyes. When I was younger, I used to not have any eye contact, using my effort just to talk, not worrying about the consequences of how I appeared to others. Perhaps just hearing and processing what is said and communicating to the other person was so difficult for me that eye contact was a luxury. I do feel this problem can be improved with practice, although it is work and takes patience. I cannot refer to this source at this time about eye contact, but from my perspective, you have to get feedback from others and somehow look briefly at the subject without too much staring, almost being absentminded.
- Identity in the situation. Initiation of a conversation is based on your qualifications for the conversation. For example, if you are identified as an accountant looking for audit backup, you can direct your communication based on the qualifications of the other party. You may be able to request communication by e-mail rather than talking. You have to investigate the contact as much as possible; first on the Internet and then if you have other resources.
- “Humor them”. Humor is tricky in that you do not want to say something that backfires. You can use the Allbusiness.com advice, but humor can be quite spontaneous and hard to plan in advance.
- “See it from their side”. Allbusiness.com is succinct here but do you have the luxury of doing this? For me, it is obvious except if you just cannot absorb the information during the situation, you are in over your head and have to block the world out.
- “Don’t complain”. Again, only if you are self-aware can you be clear about whether the situation is fair or not. Sure complaining is bad, but you may have to take the hit of making a whine if you do not know any better. The more one knows about a situation, the less likely the person is to complain.
VI. CONCLUDING COMMENTS
From my experience, listening to music is good for soothing the brain. .
You have to know yourself, know how your brain is wired, the ability and capacity to process information, and work with that. I am not qualified to recommend medication and I have fears about side effects. Thus, I just worked hard, played to my strengths, believing in will power, and set the weaknesses aside. Knowing oneself is crucial in managing money or time and effort in self-improvement, and one’s potential is determined by one’s neurological condition. I am welcome to learning about brain research, but it is beyond the scope of this site. A consolation is you don't know what you are missing except only by seeing what others do that you cannot do such as more frequent laughter.
Now that I learned of my condition, I had to carefully monitor my participation in social events, knowing when to be in the group and when it was time to take a break.
My experience tells me that communications courses will not help my neurological make-up, although practice cannot hurt around the edges, and you know yourself better compared to others. Thus, my approach is to say, OK, I am what I am and that cannot be changed substantially. Thus, I work around the problem.
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Effort, will power, spirit, desire, reliability, intensity, soul, qualities a person can possess to make things happen despite having some specific weakness. People really appreciate hard effort and may push you in a direction. Hard work can prevent you from quitting in a situation that turned out not to be impossible. For me, that would be surviving college.
Participation with people will be based on your capacity to handle the stimuli around you. The others around you must accept you and you have to accept the situation and choose carefully what you do. Rest/naps are good. Even being awake in a dark, quiet room can rest the brain from stimulation.
People have asked me if I have feelings or emotions. Sure, but it is almost impossible for someone to place themselves into my shoes because other absorb more or less information around them. I could react to different stimuli, have feelings for something but ignore other things. The example is laughing at some things, no reaction to other jokes where people crack up. Another is the effort to participate, blocking out feelings to complete thoughts, to get to the next step.
To conclude, by knowing oneself and preparation and communication techniques, one can maximize communication skills potential within their neurological makeup. I believe I have to keep my head up, and look open to the world. I welcome feedback and will revise the site over time.
Please make your comments by e-mail at letters@alienbeing.org.
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